Intervention
by LadyGadfly
Summary: What would happen if the different representations of Jareth and Sarah within the fandom became aware of each other? A totally silly and slightly caustic one-shot. I have a very twisted sense of humour. Rated T for mild language & suggestive themes.


Disclaimer: I do not own the Labyrinth. If I did, the 'Return to Labyrinth' Manga would be very different. And by different I mean good.

* * *

Sarah gasped as Jareth dragged her along the corridors from the healer's office. Her satin slippers, created by Jareth along with the semi-translucent ivory gown she was wearing, stumbled over the cold rough stone floors. Sarah whimpered as Jareth tightened his grip and snarled, pulling her to her feet, causing her to collide straight into his chest. Gasping for breath, she finally allowed herself to look up into his beautiful mismatched eyes. Angry shimmering blue orbs glared back at her. Sarah's heart pounded with fear and desire. After all these years, she had come back to the Labyrinth, having called upon the Goblins in a moment of despair after her doctor told her she had only three months to live. She had been dying of some rare disease that mysteriously had all the hallmarks of Herpes, but was incurable. Even stranger than that was the fact that Sarah, although she was now into her 28th year, was still chaste. It was a medical mystery.

Jareth glowered angrily down into Sarah's beautiful jade eyes, open wide with fear and shining with unspilled tears. He seemed torn for a second, grasping her upper arms tightly as he growled in the back of his throat. Then he threw her down to the ground roughly. Sarah cried out and cowered before the unearthly man before her, so beautiful and so cruel. From her position on the floor she gazed upon the Fae being.

He was every inch a dream and a nightmare. Cerulean mismatched eyes were set into a smooth ivory face made all up of sharp planes and angles. His mouth, so sensual yet so mocking. Wild pale gold spider silk hair poofed out from his head, eliciting a strange desire in Sarah that she couldn't quite name. Every man she had met in the Aboveground just could not compare to Jareth. They just had such small . . . hair.

His tall lean figure was clad in a blue flowing silk shirt that clung to his body in all the right places, the neckline low to reveal more of his perfect creamy skin. A black cloak swirled from his shoulders, matching his black leather gloves and boots. But what entranced Sarah the most was his tight leggings. Silver material clung to the Goblin King's strong thighs, reflecting the moonlight that shone through the window beside them. Sarah's eyes were drawn to the jewel-encrusted codpiece that adorned the front (well, it would be pretty bad if it was on the back, wouldn't it?) of his leggings, studded all over with sapphires and diamonds, fracturing the light and throwing it around the room like some magnificent crotch-mounted disco ball.

Unconsciously, Sarah licked her lips hungrily. Oh how she wanted his jewels.

The Goblin King sneered down at Sarah. "For thirteen years not a word from you and all of a sudden you call on me. Why?"  
"I was dying."

"So you call on me to heal you, is that it? I suppose you will be wanting to go back to your world now. What makes you think I will allow you to return?" Sarah gasped and her eyes went wide. The King grabbed her and roughly pulled her to her feet. "You are in my Kingdom now Sarah." Suddenly Jareth's eyes softened and he buried his face in her hair. "Oh, my love, I would have made you a Queen. I would have given you stars and treasures and unbelievably good sex and breakfast in bed, but you defied me. Do not defy me Sarah!" Jareth tossed Sarah to the ground once more.

The King started pacing, setting light flashing around the narrow stone corridor. Sarah winced. Suddenly the King stopped and, placing the back of his hand on his forehead threw his head back in a dramatic yet kingly way.

"Oh my dear little precious thing, the healer told me of the nature of your affliction. How can I possibly love you when I know you have known other men? No, do not speak." He stopped Sarah, who had just opened her mouth to protest. "I cannot bear to hear another word from those perfect treacherous lips of yours."

With no warning, the King had snatched Sarah from the ground and pinned her against a wall. "Well, since you seem to be familiar with the things men and women do behind closed doors, I may as well have some fun now you are cured. I am King, it is my right."

"But I am not!"

"What do you mean? Not cured?" Jareth looked worried and shifted uncomfortably. Although that may have been because his codpiece had become dislodged.

"I have never been with a man, Sire." Sarah flushed red as she felt the King's codpiece press against her leg. He was _quite_ the man. "I just . . . I could not."

"Explain yourself."  
"Mortal men could never really compare to you. I just couldn't. It was always you Jareth." A single tear spilled down her perfect peaches-and-cream complexion face.

An unreadable look flashed over Jareth's sapphire eyes . . . before he once again tossed Sarah to the ground and resumed pacing. The leggings were getting rather distracting. Sarah, now faced with the object of her repressed lust was finding it difficult to refrain from staring outright. She could also feel bruises forming on her knees. She wondered idly if there was any point in getting back up.

"Oh my love, how I wish I could believe you. But there is no way - " The King stopped short. "No, it cannot be. It is not possible." He regarded Sarah. "Tell me Sarah, do you ever dream of me?"  
Sarah blushed. "Yes, your Majesty. Almost every night."

"And are these dreams . . . enjoyable?"

Sarah blushed a deeper shade of crimson. "Yes, Sire. Very enjoyable."

"Sarah, are we . . . intimate in these dreams?"

Her reply was barely a whisper. "Yes, Sire."

Without warning Jareth had snatched her from the floor again. "Oh my dearest love – No I cannot believe it!" He dropped her once again. Then he dragged her to her feet once more. "But oh my sweet – no, damn you, you lying harpy!" He dropped her once more and this time Sarah somehow managed to crack her head on the cold stone floor. She blacked out for about a minute, and when she came back round she was in Jareth's arms and the King was calling her name desperately. She nearly passed out from happiness.

"Oh Sarah, thank all the Gods you are alright. I can never forgive myself for treating you so terribly. Oh how I wish I could change!"

"Why can't you change?"

"Kings do not change." Jareth stated bluntly. "They also do not share. Sarah, why did you not wait for me? I know I tried to change your Brother into a Goblin, tried to kill you several times when you were in the Labyrinth, had your friends executed for treason, didn't contact you for thirteen years - "

"Oh Jareth, none of that matters – hold up, you had my friends executed?" Sarah's beautiful leafy green eyes swam with tears. "Oh you are so cruel!"

The King's gaze turned flinty. "Do not defy me Sarah!" He tossed her to the ground once more.

"Alright! That's it, I've heard enough!" Both Sarah and Jareth turned to see a female figure striding down the hallway closely followed by a man. As both figures reached the light emanating from the window Sarah and Jareth gasped as they saw . . . Sarah and Jareth.

Now, at this point, dear readers, to make this easier for you to follow let us begin calling the original Jareth and Sarah Git-Jareth and Doormat-Sarah and the newcomers Other-Jareth and Other-Sarah.

Git-Jareth spoke first. "What is the meaning of this? Is this some kind of enchantment? I demand to - " Other-Jareth drew level with Git-Jareth and gave him a bone jarring backhand across the jaw.

"Stop being such a _dick_!" Other-Jareth yelled.

"And you!" Other-Sarah drew close to her doppelganger and gently helped her to her feet. "Grow a goddamn spine already! We bested the Labyrinth! We beat the Goblin King! We are made of stronger stuff than this!"

Git-Jareth was fuming. "How dare you! Who are you anyway?"

"We are you. More or less." Other-Jareth took in his double's clothing with an incredulous look on his face. He himself was dressed modestly – well as modestly as a Goblin King can be – in a black poet's shirt with black britches and black leather gloves and boots. Other-Sarah was wearing a faded blue jeans, trainers and a plain red long-sleeved shirt. Other-Sarah was at that moment regarding her doubles sheer gown with mounting alarm and was subtly moving in front of her, blocking from sight of the men.

"How is that possible? Why are you here?"

"It's possible because Jareth is scary good at moving between realms and we are here because there was no possible way we could stand by and let this carry on." Other-Sarah replied archly.

"If I want your opinion I'll ask for it, wench." Git-Jareth bit back.

Turning to the Other-Jareth Other-Sarah gave a wry half smile. "I take it back your Majesty, there is someone in existence more annoying than you. Except, of course, he is still technically you."

"I must protest!" Other-Jareth pointed an accusing finger at his mirror image. "This . . . overdressed impostor is nothing like me!"

"True," Other-Sarah tilted her head. "You were never the violent type. And uh, _that_." She pointed to the Crown Jewels. "That is just . . . I mean . . . that's just . . . well damn that's just _distracting_." She tilted her head further and raised an eyebrow.

"Careful, precious thing, you'll make me jealous." Other-Jareth purred. Other-Sarah blushed slightly but raised her chin defiantly.

"Bite me, Jareth."

"If you insist." Other-Jareth smirked.

"You let your woman talk to you this way? We truly are not the same person." Git-Jareth sneered.

"I am _not_ his woman and I talk to him anyway I please!"

"I like 'em feisty." Other-Jareth winked. "But our time here is short. To sum things up you," He pointed at his double "Please stop being such a schizophrenic bastard and you," He pointed to Doormat-Sarah and smiled fondly. "Please do not lose your fire, dear heart, it's what made me fall for you in the first place." He turned to leave.

"Sarah it's time to – what are you doing?"

Other-Sarah was pacing back and forth on the stone floor, her eyes locked upon the other King's sparkly crotch with a look of horrified fascination. "It's like the eyes on a haunted painting!" She murmured.

"What?"

"No matter where I go, it _just keeps following me_."

Other-Jareth looked doubtful for a second, then paced with her.

"Well I'll be damned, so it does. We have to go now, but one last thing." He snatched his double's codpiece. "You are an embarrassment to the Fae and I am ashamed to be your initial inspiration." He looked at the size of codpiece. "And whilst we're here what is with the unrealistic expectations of me in all these other realms? _I am only one man_!"

Git-Jareth turned red with rage. "How dare you! I am a lover of thousands of women, a fairytale King, a sensual being!"

"You are a man-strumpet." Other-Jareth countered blandly. Other-Sarah snorted indelicately. They turned to leave.

"But . . ." Doormat-Sarah spoke from her place on the floor. She had sunk back down to her knees after the codpiece snatching. She seemed more comfortable there.

"Yes, precious?" Other-Jareth knelt before her and let his gaze wander slightly downwards before snapping back up to her face, an almost imperceptible glint in his eye. Other-Sarah shifted uncomfortably.

"Why . . . I mean . . . do you know . . . no maybe I don't deserve to know . . .oh it's _just not fair _. . . " Doormat-Sarah raised a hand to her forehead and looked at him beseechingly. If by beseechingly you mean she gave him pitiful puppy-dog eyes.

"Oh brother, this has got to be the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen." Other-Sarah moaned.

Other-Jareth raised the codpiece he was still hanging onto. "Precious, you got nothing on this."

"Ahh, touché."

"Quite. Now, precious, what would you like to know?"

"Why was I ill?"

Other-Jareth tilted his head like an owl, frowning slightly. "What was the nature of your illness?"

Doormat-Sarah flushed. "It was uh, well I mean it was like Herpes, but I'm a virgin so I have no idea how I got it, and none of the Doctors in my world could cure me, and then I called you, I mean him, and I got cured by that elf guy and - " Other-Jareth raised a hand to cease the babbling.

"Would I be correct in assuming that you have had rather – ahem – _vivid_ dreams of my doppelganger here?"

"Yes." Doormat-Sarah blushed an even deeper shade of red.

"Also, one last question." Here he leaned close to Doormat-Sarah and whispered in her ear. Other-Sarah strained to hear what he was saying but all she could catch was one word that sounded like "glitter". Poor little Doormat-Sarah's face went crimson.

"Uhh, yes. Lots."

"Then I think my double should be able to explain." Other-Jareth straightened and turned to look expectantly at his double who was looking oddly sheepish.

"I-I was just so lonely. I wanted you so badly, so I . . . well I visited your dreams."

"Hang on." Other-Sarah held up her hands. "Are you telling me . . . are you seriously telling me that you gave her Herpes through her _dreams_?!? That's disgusting!"

"She is mine!" Git-Jareth shook his fist.

"Oh go stick it in the Bog." Other-Jareth spat. "But before you do go visit the healer yourself."

"Don't defy me . . . " Git-Jareth shook his fist weekly. His heart wasn't really in it.

The two intruders were walking away. "So, you can visit others in dreams?" Other-Sarah asked.

"Yes, it is a Fae ability." Other-Jareth replied.

"So you . . . I mean, my dreams . . .um . . . are you . . . ?"

"I have never done it with you, precious." Other-Jareth smiled wickedly. "Why? Have you been having some rather _enjoyable_ dreams about me?"

"What? No! No way! I never . . . I . . . why are you carrying that thing around anyway?" Other-Sarah asked, eager to change the subject.

"What, this?" Other Jareth held up the bejewelled codpiece. "I thought it might come in rather handy on one of our other adventures. You know, to blind someone with."

"Are you really sure you want to keep that? I mean, bearing in mind where it's been."

" . . . Good point." Other-Jareth threw the codpiece out of a nearby window.

"I swear you should be a magpie instead of an owl, the affinity you have for shiny things."

The pair walked away bickering until they were out of earshot and the corridor was silent once more.

The first King sunk to the floor with his back against the wall and gathered his cloak about him. He felt naked without his codpiece.

"Sooooo . . ." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "You want to go get a drink sometime?"

The other Sarah shifted uncomfortably on the cold stone floor. "Not really . . ."

* * *

Author's Note:

It's a codpiece, nothing more. But if you turn it this way and look into it . . .

Sorry, couldn't resist. XD

So you may ask yourself why I am writing a parody. Well there are many reasons.

One: I am in the process of writing a serious . . . well a slightly more serious Labyrinth piece featuring the J/S pairing. During my time writing this (which has been slow since University work is killing me right now) I came to the realisation that not only is The Area _damned_ distracting in the film, it is also _damned_ distracting whilst trying to write fanfiction. It was like, every other scene The Area was all like "write about me, describe me in loving detail, compose a sonnet in my honour, make me the main character!" The Area, it needed to be exorcised.

Two: Whilst I generally prefer my Goblin King charming, funny and a little bit of a scoundrel (or a lot of a scoundrel), I honestly don't mind Evil!Jareth too much as long as it is well written (I here direct you to the writings of the amazing Subtilior). However Evil!Schizophrenic!Jareth makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a pen. I've seen this in a few fanfictions and loathe it entirely. Either love Sarah forever and make her your Queen or hate her with a vengeance and torture, lock her away and treat her like crap, you can't do both.

Three: I HATE Doormat-Sarah. Yet another pet peeve of mine from the fandom. Y'all remember Sarah, right? The teenage girl that barely blinked when the Goblin King appeared before her, fought through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, bribed/guilt-tripped/tricked/befriended everyone she met in the Labyrinth and got them to help her, monologued the Goblin King into defeat and came out of it all a more mature, well-rounded individual? Oh yeah. Strong female characters, I like them.

Four: I really needed to write something utterly silly to blow off some steam. Please don't hurt me! It's pure silliness!

If anyone is wondering, Underground Herpes is a lot like Aboveground Herpes, with two notable exceptions.

1. It cannot be cured by mortal medicine, only magic can remove it.

2. Lots of glitter. Yeah. THINK ABOUT IT.


End file.
